Changes With Un-Resolved Feelings

It was one day that i met you and we got to know to each other. It was a real fast to happened - we're from somewhere else but we met meaningfully. For me i praised to the Lord, i'm hoping for you too. You're someone that i've been looking for my whole life, My Partner, My Babe, My Laugh, My Gossip and you're My Everything. Often dreaming of you in my dreams. My feelings for you always a limitless. 

Also it was one day, 
You told me your decission - i contempelate it, 
And you left - i regard it,
Although i incessantly hope you would turn-off your decision and be with me,
But the folks say " time is the answer" - i ponder it,
And now i can see it - Thoroughly.

It changes me alot, im no longer the old me. I barely to make peers as much as i did last time. I barely being extrovert no more. Im just someone new with pure introvert and feelings alot. I'll take it if you would label me with some sort of plaques but its the feelings. I didnt blame anyone, or you, but it is me who is emotionally freak. You're my first time, first one and never gone through this ever. I've no idea what about you on your first time and first one - before you met me. I know you're much stronger, happy demeanour and unswerving emotion - as i observed, an extrovert.

But do you know that, Ive been looking for you my whole life? And even until now you're My One, The Best One, The One that i really love. Although you had found your someone new. 

Do you know that,
I love to see you,
To see your face,
To smell you,
To kiss you,
To hug you,
To laugh with you,
To talk over things even if its nothing,
To sleep with you and wake up seeing you next to me,
To pillow talk with you,
To eat together, 
To cook together,
To sing together,
To share clothes together,

To put clothes-on for you,
To travel together,
To go out together,
To take photo together,
To stay in the house together,
To stay in the room together,
To do whatever with you together is a divine - i couldnt describe more,
You know, that i love you alot, 
You know, that i miss you alot, 
And its never changed for forever - my miss, my love.

Well, what i had was absolutely phenomenal for me and i hope for you too. But thats not it! It saddens me sometimes - might always, that what i had with you My Babe, isnt really enough of complacency to myself. It was a very short of time, i've been asking why. I hope we could be together and enjoy like the last time where Only you and i. And untill for atleast im ready or my last breath. In fact, I've been always to think if only i could pay so that the previous memories of us could always be brought back. i would definitely work very hard just to bring those back! Always its my heart, my efforts and attitudes that shows. 

Mza, 24th december 2015, winter, akhir shoober, tanta, 3.44am

Someone Like You By Adele

"Someone Like You"

I heard that you're settled down

That you found a girl and you're married now.

I heard that your dreams came true.

Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?

Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.

I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me, I beg

I'll remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

You know how the time flies

Only yesterday was the time of our lives

We were born and raised

In a summer haze

Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.

I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me, I beg

I'll remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares

No worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes

They are memories made.

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you

Don't forget me, I beg

I'll remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead".

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me, I beg

I'll remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

For you or not for you is still for you.

The winter - has arrived,

Dehydration is what i can feel,

But its not the water nor the foods,

Its the love - for you, 

The miss for - for you,

The craves - for you, 

But you're miles away, 

Dehydration continues,

I fell asleep in tiredness, 

With feelings and hopes - just for you,

But now its gone,

And i remember why theres no dehydration no more, 

Because its you, whom i met in my dream last night,

U gave me water when im in dehydration,

And im sure its the pure water from heart, 

Now it runs through my stream thoroughly,

I love you and miss you with every of my single breath. 

December 5th 2015

Feelings

I meet peoples in my life,

I've met the one i've been looking for,

The story starts,

Feelings bloomed as the flowers of springs,

The longer the feelings, the deeper it goes,

Things happened,

But i have hope and faith,

People moved on,

I'm who i am,

Always the same, i did not moved on - nor meeting new people, nor friends, nor mate, nor buddies , its just no one.

I've realised everything but i stay quiet, i just love the feelings of in love with you.

But somehow overthinking gets over everything,

Still i love the feelings of loving you.

5pm thursday 10th december 2015

Mza

April 4th 2015

1) Today, April 4th 2015 i slept and had my napped. From last night till the evening, I dreamt of you for several times in just in a day. What a love i have for you. Happy to see you and hear your voice again and its so alive and real. And since we haven't go for Skype or whatever for a very long time together and jyeahhh it makes me happy to see you. I've seen so many changes on to yourself and i'm not bitter about it may you still remember me and spare some mind and feelings for me through out your lives. Anyways, every time i dreamt of you it makes me sad and fonder of you. I do always dreamt  of you but today it seems weird where i dreamt of you for many times from last night till evening's nap. Maybe its just because of i really miss you? Or thinking of you very much i guess?

2) I truly would like to know what is in your heart really when everytime you hears or sees my name. Will it be like a racing heart beats of happiness, would it be cares feeling and wants to know more about my story, would it be a "so-so" feeling which you just say oh yeah its me so?, would it be a sad feeling since we were apart, or would it be just a simply plain nothing. 

3) Im just pretty wondering about you all the times. Do you spare in your mind about me and my name when you're happy, sad  and through out all of your days like i really do? I do not know what portions has fell onto my head till i keep remembering you from the moment you are not by my side. I wish you could feel me like what i really do now. Its true and i know that im very clingy, possessive and even worse "overly attached" but that's not it. Actually i just want you to feel and know what i really do. You see, i'm feeling so very insecure because maybe and might be everyone around you are liking you so much from the since you were born till present days. And what makes me even sad and a bit stress sometimes when i see those peoples around you reacts with you PLUS i have seen how some of your acts makes no difference between me and them. 

4) Cant you see that everything i do is for you? Cant you see that i love you, i like you so much and this much. To be honest, i never be in this condition where i'm being very clingy, possessive, and want someone so fucking much. Everything has changed after i met and knew you. And i want you every of my single day and its just great to have you in my life, really. In my life previously, i never dreams to write my story on my blog, on my instagram, on my twitter and etc. In fact i never express what i really feels in the bottom of my heart. But i do now after i met you. And im willing to share every single piece of my body, my life, my everything with you. Just like how i feels for my family. And YESS you're my family from now onwards. 

5) You see, you're always the reason why i cannot move on. And far away from the state of "moving on" or "moved on". Because i know my self and i know i never ever will move on. 

6) I guess i knew you very well, and i'm not sure and i don't know that whether you have already moved on OR moving on without you noticed OR whatsoever but i'm sure that you always happy as always you do with or without me. And i guess i'm quite sure for that which with or without me you are always happy wherever you are. And i'm happy to know some sorts of your stories. 

7) Well, i always reminiscing the old memories of us. And i just want to say MILLIONS OF THANKS to YOU so much for all. To be reminisce again, we back then and previously in time we talked from minutes to hours, and from hours to many hours, from many hours to a complete whole day, from a whole day to the next and continue to the next week and month and complete one year. Always love to talk to you whenever i am and wherever i be i will always find a gap to talk to you, so that you wont feels any gap just like how you were besides me. But now i guess things are slightly changed. You and me are just miles apart. And we no longer talk to each other every hour. Nope, not every Day too. And also not every month. 

8)I'm pretty sure that i gave you spaces and gap so you could be free because i understood what and where you are now but actually i hope that you could and would always find the missing pieces so that it brings you back to me. 

9) Was it my fault? Or did i annoyyed you so much? Again was it my fault? Didn't i be very clingy and possessive and i'm being a very "overly attached"?! Didn't i text you and waiting for your reply? Didn't you see my tweets, insta and everything is just for you alone? Didn't you see that? Is this my fault? And could it be my fault too? Note that everything i do is for you.

10) Everything i do is for you. And YESS i could share every single part of my stories, my secrets, my body, my lives, my foods, my everything for you because everything that i do is for you.

11) Maybe you won't feel the same and do the same. And maybe you don't really cares and pay attention on what i really meant in my blog, insta and twitter. I know its sadful for me, if only i could control you and things but its you and its your life. And many questions in my head and questions that i've asked were not answered BTW.

12) I have tried to be the old me and to be "biasa-biasa" but i just cannot. 

12) In conclusion, what is mine is always mine. Never get attached or try to get closed TO ANYONE or ANYONE TO WHAT IS MINE. Because i am here with full of insecurities and im being so clingy and possesive. I cannot take it. HMMMM ://

Some of the lyrics from Adele's songs : 

Take It All

Didn't I give it all,

Tried my best,

Gave you everything I had,

Everything and no less?

Didn't I do it right?

Did I let you down?

Maybe you got too used to

Well, having me around.

Still how can you walk away

From all my tears?

It's gonna be an empty road

Without me right here.

Just take it all

With my love,

Take it all

With my love

I will change if I must.

Slow it down and bring it home, I will adjust.

Oh if only, if only you knew,

Everything I do is for you.

Just take it all

With my love,

Take it all

With my love

Take it all

With my love

Chasing Pavements

Should I give up?

Or should I just keep chasin' pavements

Or would it be a waste

Even if I knew my place?

Should I leave it there?

I'll be waiting 

I've seen your face under every sky,

Over every border and on every line,

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,

One And Only

You've been on my mind

I grow fonder every day,

Lose myself in time

Just thinking of your face

God only knows

Why it's taken me so long

To let my doubts go

You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before

Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only

Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms

So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can

If I've been on your mind

You hang on every word I say

Lose yourself in time at the mention of my name

Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close?

And have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go

Love Song

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am home again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am young again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am fun again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am free again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you

However long I stay I will always love you

Whatever words I say I will always love you

I will always love you

Someone Like You

I heard that you're settled down

I heard that your dreams came true

Guess it gives you things I didn't give to you

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it

I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

That for me it isn't over.

You know how the time flies

Only yesterday was the time of our lives

We were born and raised

In a summer haze

Bound by the surprise of our glory days

Don't You Remember

When will I see you again?

I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,

And a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?

Don't you remember

Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?

Or have you completely erased me from your memory?

I often think about where I went wrong,

The more I do, the less I know,

But I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,

And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?

Don't you remember?

The reason you loved me before,

Baby, please remember me once more,

Gave you the space so you could breathe,

I kept my distance so you would be free,

And hoped that you'd find the missing piece,

To bring you back to me,

Baby, please remember me once more,

When will I see you again?

Never Gonna Leave You

So let's go back there, back to the start

Swear I'm never gonna leave you

Cause you're the only one I want

Let's go back there, back to the start

Swear I'm never gonna leave you

Cause you're the only one I want, yeah

You're the only one

Never gonna leave no

No, I'm never gonna leave you, no

He won't Go

Will he... will he still remember me?

Will he still love me even when he's free?

Or will he go back to the place where he would choose the poison over me?

What if I lose my heart and fail the climb?

I won't forgive me if I give up trying

Tell Me If I Was Wrong

Babe, 

Please Tell me that i was wrong for thinking you're having fun with others,

Because you actually stood up and thinking of us.

Babe,

Please Tell me that i was wrong for thinking you're having with someone else, 

Because you're only with me always.

Babe,

Please Tell me that i was wrong for thinking that you're mingling with someone else, 

Because you'd never do that.

Babe,

Please Tell me that i was wrong for thinking that you have already have someone else to replace me,

Because i always hope that you're not looking for others after me. 

Babe,

Please Tell me that i was wrong for thinking that you're all better without me,

Because you're waiting for my return again. 

Babe,

Please Tell me that i was wrong for thinking you have already moved on from first we were apart, 

Because you're always reminiscing of US-want us.

Babe,

Please Tell me that i was wrong for thinking you're not missing me while i do,

Because actually you do miss us. 

Babe,

Please Tell me that i was wrong for thinking you not to love me while i do, 

Because actually u do love me. 

Babe,

Please Tell me that i was wrong for thinking you are going to find someone else, 

Because actually you never ever. 

Babe, 

Please Tell me that i was wrong for thinking you are singing for others always,

Because actually you sing for me everyday in you heart for me. 

Babe,

Please Tell me that i was wrong for thinking you are not proud of knowing and having me, 

Because actually you exposed to your world and friends.

Babe,

Babe,

Babe,

Please and Please,

Im Begging you to Tell me that i was wrong for thinking you of what i am thinking now, 

Because you are here all by me,

Because you love me, 

Because we are always together. 

My Bestie, My Bestbuddy, and Me

-->Muhammad farabi bin nizam, me

1) Must everyone be wonderring that, why and why my whatsapp's icon these two faces, wechat, twitter, instagram, blog,  as my profile picture. Am i right? Well the story is damn long and if i could tell you now even the next coming decades will not finished on talking and discussing it. 

2) Well this is my one and only one bestie. I have no other bestie besides him. I might have millions of friends but my bestie is only one and this is the one.

His full name is Muhammad Farabi Bin Nizam , born on 11th.september.1994 in kuala lumpur, Malaysia. Well i guess its enough for you to know him as a surface only because he is not available for anyone now and forever. Hahahaha. But wait, im serious ok..!!! LoL

3) I call my bestie with so many varieties of names. Sometimes i call farabi, sometimes i call bee, sometimes i call fara, sometimes but seldom to call fabii , and if at the whatsapp i call him something else which i dont want to share in here let only The God Almighty, my bestie and i knows it. HIKS. Hahahaha

4) Ok lah kan thats the only introduction of it well i havent finished yet. Waiittt...! ✋...!!! If you all follow my instagram at "muhdzaaed94" you will see various pictures that ive tagged him. And then i wrote few stories(mebi an essay) about  my bestie related or unrelatedly to the pictures. Hahaha sometimes you can see i "hashtagged" him as a "friend since placenta" or in malay language as "kawan sejak daripada uri lagi". Bahahahaha. Aipp...!!! dont and never ask me that, why i say that. Luls.

5) Honestly, like this i have met with so many peoples on earth whether foreigners, black, brown, white, albino, charcoal, malaysians, or what ever it is i never ever seen someone like my bestie. Yet he is still the best one for me. So happy to know him btw, if not im just gonna be such a forever alone. Luls

6) Let me i tell you, bestie is someone which you're so "clicked" with. You can be weirdo, you can say things, you can discuss and ask anything without any wrong. Well like my bestie and i, we have so many things similar and clicked together. I dont know lahh whether i self-indulgence, feeling-feeling myself or im on my weed or (SyokSendiri) but honestly its true. 

7) I, as someone who is so God thankfully to met my bestie in this earth, the one who i clicked with, someone that im so comfortable to say things and to do something ofcourse its normal i guess for me to feel jelous. Am i right? Its true kan?!!! Do you have a bestie? If you do then ofcourse you will feel jelous with your bestie am i right? Just maybe that i might probably overly jelous kot idk. LoL 

8) Well i honestly from deep inside i dont like when others tries to get closed to my bestie and suddently my paranoid mind comes and say this asshole surely tries to get my bestie and bla bla just named it right. Then, Tries to borrow my bestie's things like hello can you just go get yourself or go borrow from other peoples. The worst shit ever tries to share my bestie's foods like heyy go buy yourself laa asshole youre not poor since you have those expensive gadgets kan. Oh wait the other worst shit ever is that when some assholes from i dont know which jungle they came, and then enter to the my bestie's house and asked permission to have an overnight or they wants to "tumpang tidur". LOL. 

And bitch that asshole's house not that far just the next houses or next area go home laa asshole. Lol but ofcourse i wont say it to those asshole kannn... 

9) There's one day that ive called my bestie ,texted him but i got no reply. So i was damn fucking worried. And then i just left the house and go to my bestie's house. Guess what? I saw some assholes came to my bestie's house and the house was full of laughter. Can u imagine my body was acting in fully sympathetic, even when im on the way to my besties's house i swear i dont feel like im walking its just like my feets didnt touch the earth. But the moment when i came i saw laughter in the house. Hmmmmm :-/ ofcourse lah i asked my bestie "why didnt you pick up the fhone and reply my text?" And the answer was very simple " fhone on charging and i didnt hear it". Lols but yeahh since he is my bestie kann nothing much just to forgive easily even inside the heart you feels like a volcano mountain's eruptions kann. But thats the speciality that my family and my one bestie has. :)) 

10) well, back to the topic Bestie. My bestie is someone that i really care, like, love whatever just name it. For me my bestie is not just my bestie but more to my family, my flesh. Let me i tell you why i say i care, like, love and etc.? Why? Because my bestie who i truely trust from deep inside. Even certain things or story no one else knows except my bestie. Yup no one else knows not even my family. Because certain things i feels much more  comfortable to tell to my bestie rather than sharing it with my family itself.

11) Next, i always believed that my bestie is very special lah for me. You see im so fussy with cleanliness and bla bla but heyyy my bestie and i seemingly has no boundary. Hahaha i can share my drinks, my foods, my this and that just named it what? I can share everything and i dont mind because i feels so comfortable and i just dont mind. I swear to god for that.

12) Well, my family, my bestie are peoples that i dont have my ego to show. For me there's  no point for me to keep my ego when im with them. Am i right? I just keep my ego when im not with them. :)) huhuhu

13) You see, not all days the sun is shining bright am i right? As the malay idiom says "sedangkan lidah lagi tergigit" (even the teeth bites the tongue). Sometimes ofcourse lah its normal even within the family itself pon we had a little fight isnt it so does with my bestie. But somehow i dont think lah i had a fight with my bestie just that small-emo with certain things. 

14) Well whose not sad when you have an instict that other assholes tries to take your bestie away from you am i right? Selfies with a space of one mm between two shoulders, laugh together, text always more than i text my bestie, call  n videocall always more than i do, and many things, whose on earth not sad and emo kann..? Ofcourse lah i hate it, i hate it, i hate it, i hate to see it. I even overthinking about it sometimes. Hahaha . Ofcourse im gonna be sad as hell. Because  i honestly a loyal one to my bestie. I even gets angry when someone tries to say something about my bestie. My ears goes red and i will look at them with my side eyes just to show them that im angry. And i just left those asshole and in my heart says "fuck you". Hahahahaha its never be wrong okayyh. 

15) Well, before i stop for a while writing this entry i got one story to be shared. It was in egypt and its between my bestie and i. One day, i purposedly pretended to be emo. Yeah ive said it i pretended to emo without any single problem. Its just to see whether my bestie cares or not. Well what i was hoping was that my bestie he will come to me and ask me "are you ok?" Or "what happened to you?" Or "what's wrong with you?" Thats the idea..!!! Well.. You know laaaa those kind of questions kann. And what i thought was that he gonna come to me or my house and he gonna do something maybe treat me some foods and bla bla. So i just keep pretending that im in an emo state with my shit face and all those. Honestly ive done this so many times lol. Lets see whether it works or not. Lolol. And guess what! Fast guess it...!!! What he did was nothing. Yeah nothing..!!! Not even a move. 

16) yeahh tell me about it how stress i am at that time. And and i guess lah, i guess he even gets happier. He laughed alot(i heard). He seems to be so okay and yet just like nothing happened. I was so damn "bengang" but then i just keep pretending for days lols. Well what i thought was that something gonna heppend, he gonna text me or call me. And even after days nothing has changed lol. He even gets much happier and even took selfies with some assholes. So i was literally quite sad and a little bit frustrated lah at that time. And finally guess what?! The following week, i just came to him, talked normally, walked, tiffined at the cafe together, go to his house and i just act normally like nothing happened. Hahahahahahahahahaha . Sucks isnt ?! Yeah tell me about it. Just sucks. But what to do kann...? Thats him, my best-best-best-best-bestie's best attitude. Huhuhuhu hahahahaha maybe thats the weak side, but the good side of him waaaahhhh cant tell you, not enough papers n time to write for it.

17) At that time, in fact untill this time i always think that must be that my bestie  never care me laah even if im gone he's just gonna be a happy little human lol. Kidding. I know he's not right, right?! Hahahahahha 

18) just to add a little bit more at that time, my feelings was so "bengang" and i feels to skin-alive my bestie. Hahahahaha jkjkjk :)) ofcourse i wont lah. That's ridiculous. 

19) Well i always want to know what are the things that he always hates on me, hates about me, hates my doing. Oh btw he always hurts me by saying that i am pffftt anoyying and he wants me to changed. I knew it that im annoying, no doubt but well not to all, just with certain peoples. But as i said since we want someone in our life to stay we will always closed our eyes and forgive easily. Hehehehe 

20) ok lah since there're so many stories to be told . I guess just untill here for me writing this entry. We'll continue later. Stay tuned. Huhuhu

21) AND NEVER FORGET THAT MY BESTIE IS ALWAYS MINE,DONT GET CLOSED,TEXT,CALL OR DO ANYTHING WITH MY BESTIE. BECAUSE I SWEAR YOU WILL BE MY NEXT FOE..!!! AND YOU GONNA SHIT IN  YOUR PANTS!!! LOL HAHAHAHAHA 

(12th december 2014, 5.51pm)